9:01 p.m.

the smell is back. the smell of harry potter and mcflurries and the commons thats been closed off and dandelion head popping off-ing and many many memories of pink sky writings and egg projects. hmm. and sea green, cant forget that sea green. i miss it a bit, i will not lie. oh and pooh bear key chains and lists of sickness.

so whats going on in my life? hmmmmm yes a big fat piano recital, of completely magnified proportions and a date that has been cursed so that no one can go. maybe that’s a good thing. less people to point and laugh at you is always a good thing. so a dress has been found, but not the shoes, and not the straps to the dress either, and invitations have been printed, and it seems that everyone is ready for this but moi. hmm its quite frustrating when you start hating yourself because you have no work ethic and you leave everything to the last minute. but mother is not helping with her nagging, which i guess is just a part of the mommy qualification hand-out (aka mqho) but i mean theres this odd inner rebelling force of mine that makes it quite difficult to listen to her. which is why i haven’t been practicing. yes. not my laziness. no. actually i have been quite scared of it, so yeah. and my piano teacher is ignoring me. so even better! this should be one interesting recital.

meteora meteora meteora. say it three times fast its quite pretty. my greek friend named athena with really nice black hair saw me doodling it in theory and said it quite nicely in the greek pronunciation and all. pretty greek monasteries. ah i love you linkin park.

and so, i have been becoming a strange person. i don’t really know if i want to be this person. its odd, i thought i was so sure of who i was before, but then i realized that i never really knew, and thinking that you know who you are in the first place does not allow you to be your true self in anyway because there! you are thinking about who you are. you are not just existing. its tainted in a sense. yes. and i dunno everything is different, i am not the same at all but im sure that no one else would notice anyway.

writing can be therapeutic. i stopped trying to write and am just writing. blah blah. not censored. NO SPELL CHECK! (so beware tripping on misspelled words. they are littered everywhere.) now that’s a rebellion in itself. indeed.

oh no must watch out im knocking over wires and speakers now. ee.

so ive been on a music finding binge, and cant find any. im thinking that im just sorta tired of looking for music. why doesn’t music ever find me? it finds me sometimes. for about 10 minutes before i practice i just play whatever i want. maybe like eva Cassidy fields of gold or enya may it be or anything at all and sometimes i tape myself so yeah never NEVER play any tapes that you find in my house or i may die of something. i dunno maybe like soul-baring or humiliation or something.

so the only reason i seem to be writing write now is because im supposed to be writing a genius-of-the-world-nukular-cindy essay and word is open and the prospect of filling up space with something other than schoolwork is quite enticing. oh i am ruled by proscrastination i have noticed. yes im sure YOU have noticed but i never really truly knew until i discovered this pattern.

smell of cucumbers! and spring and roald dahl and the witches and the giraffes and the pellies and the grunchers and the minpins and the phantom tollbooth and barnes and noble and the city and duane reed which btw no longer sells mint chapstick (I WAS DEVASTATED!) and paper and milkweed and disney (which uses slave labor btw and it broke my heart) and roasted peanuts and hotdog stands with a man who cant count money and the fountain that’s was closed cuz of the drought and an art festival and oh that was quite a fantastical time. juilliard is good for something after all.

back to sort of lapsing back into reality. twas a mellow day today, folks.

i used back in that sentence twice. how awkward and poor-diction like. somewhere mr. cook just had a conniption.

babblin retox - 2004-12-28
thats jersey for you biiiatch - 2004-12-28
i <3 chubby christmas trees - 2003-12-05
peeling (oranges) - 2003-11-20
the strange but true colors of summer liz - 2003-07-29

drops of february

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